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How can you cope with grief? It is particularly difficult coping with bereavement on a birthday, at Christmas or a death anniversary but this article has some tips on dealing with a grief anniversary.
Birthdays, wedding anniversaries and Christmas is a chance to have lots of fun celebrating and spending time with your loved one but a bereavement can leave you feeling lost and unsure of what to do. If you are grieving, celebrations bring little comfort or joy. But it is important to remember you are not alone.
What’s it like to lose a loved one?
Birthdays, wedding anniversaries and a death anniversary can bring back memories, pain and trauma. No more moments created together.
People talk about the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. But everyone deals with grief in a different way. There are no set rules. Some people get angry, some are depressed. Others feel suicidal. Others seek support and someone to talk to, some shut others out, feel numb, and not everyone cries.
Should I celebrate birthdays and Christmas if I’m grieving?
There are no right answers to this question. You must do what feels right for you. Many people know only too well the anguish of losing someone they love and what it’s like to experience an anniversary without them.
‘I’ve now got to try and deal with Christmas’
One woman posting on Sue Ryder’s online bereavement support forum said: “I’m dreading this Christmas.
“Last Christmas was strange as my Dad passed away July 19 and my Mum’s Alzheimer’s had progressed quite a bit. I did everything I could so she enjoyed it and we had the best Christmas we could.
“Now having lost Mum suddenly in February I’ve now got to try and ‘deal’ with Christmas without them both. “I’ve always loved Christmas but this year I’m dreading it.”
Coping with bereavement: Dealing with grief triggers
There are many grief triggers linked to birthdays and anniversaries.
Memories of past birthdays, your first date, the place you first met, wedding anniversary, favourite food,favourite restaurant, tree-decorating, favourite films,Christmas lunch and waking up on Christmas morning.
The anniversary of your loved one’s death may be one big trigger for grief and you may feel like skipping the whole grief anniversary but there are ways to get through it, as well as birthdays and Christmas. Read through these tips on coping with bereavement on significant days.
How do I cope with grief on a death anniversary etc?
Here are some top tips that may help you cope with a grief anniversary, birthdays, Christmas or other significant events.
- Recognise that the day may be tough for you. Allow yourself the chance to acknowledge your grief.
- It’s okay to give yourself a ‘time out’ from films that you used to watch together.
- Make a plan well before the day as to what you would like to do, where and with who on that day.
- Be open and honest with family and friends about how you want to spend the day. Understand that other loved ones may grieve and think differently and have different views about how to spend the day.
- If children are grieving, involve them and ask them how they want to spend the day.
- Make new memories with new people or others already in your life.
- Start new traditions with others.
- Consider volunteering or doing something for someone else e.g. giving support and/or companionship to lonely person. Helping someone can be a rewarding experience.
- Consider starting a gratitude diary noting everything and everyone you are grateful for.
- Make sure you look after yourself and have enough sleep, food and that there is someone to talk to when you need it.
- There’s no shame or guilt, if you find yourself experiencing a little fun, a giggle or a joke on the day.
- Share happy memories of your loved one and talk about them with others.
- You can cherish your loved one’s memory in any way you wish.
Cherishing their memory
You can cherish memories by…
– Including your loved one’s photo or name as part of decorations e.g. like a Christmas bauble.
– Lighting a candle in their honour.
– Raising a toast to them with friends.
– Writing them a personal letter
– Leaving a card, gift by their final resting place.
– Donating money to their favourite charity.
When will I stop grieving?
There is no set length of time for the grieving process to last. Some people never stop grieving, but time and support can help them manage. Every person’s experience of bereavement is different. Allow yourself time and permission to grieve.
Freda: ‘I’ve booked myself in for dinner at a local hotel on Christmas Day’
Freda talks about her first Christmas without her husband, David who died of cancer.
In a blog on the Marie Curie website, Freda explains: “My husband David and I didn’t worry about birthdays or anniversaries, it was always Christmas that was special.
“I was baking weeks in advance. David would do all the wrapping and I wrote the labels and Christmas cards. We’d have a glass of sherry, Christmas music on. He would put up lights everywhere, the conservatory would be full of lights, sometimes in the trees.
“Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that myself. It doesn’t matter, I’ve had it all.
“I’m organised for Christmas. I didn’t think I wanted to be at home so on a friend’s recommendation I’ve booked myself in for dinner at a local hotel on Christmas Day.
On the 22 December until Christmas Eve I’m going over to my son’s and his wife Carrie’s, and that’s going to be our Christmas together.
“We’re not doing any cooking as such, we’ll bring in a Chinese meal and they’re going to have a big hot tub. We’re going to have fun, lots of wine. That’s going to be my Christmas – a long Christmas.
“I’m looking forward to that.”
If you are finding it hard to cope with grief during the Christmas season, there is bereavement support available.
Where can I get bereavement support?
You are not alone. Grief support groups include:
- Cruse Bereavement Services – Cruse Helpline 0808 808 1677. You could also message a grief counsellor using CruseChat service.
- Marie Curie Support Line free 0800 090 2309.
- At a loss – At a loss.org
- The Good Grief Trust
- The Compassionate Friends
- Griefcast podcast by Cariad Lloyd – Comedians talk about how they cope with grief
- Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community is a place where you can talk to others who also grieve the loss of a loved one. Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Counselling Service can also help.
If you feel so low that you have suicidal thoughts, it is important to get help. Help is available and it is crucial that you talk to someone about how you feel. You do not have to struggle alone.
Helplines providing crisis support and advice include:
- Samaritans free helpline (open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year) – 116 123
- Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – 0800 58 58 58
If your life is in danger, call 999 immediately or ask someone else to call 999 for you.
