Widows urged to 'paint the house pink' and 'be open to adventures'

Losing your partner in life and becoming a widow is life-changing, yet Mary Essinger, who lost her husband Ted in 2005, reveals there is also a “positive side to being single again” and says “losing a husband sometimes means finding oneself”.

Mary, who is 87, believes widowhood presents women with the unique opportunity to start life again on their own terms.

In her book ‘How to be a Merry Widow: Life after death for the older lady’, she tells fellow widows to “look on the positive side, no shirts to iron for a start. Rejoice in your independence. You can do exactly as you like; paint the house pink, invite your chain-smoking brother to stay or relocate to anywhere on the planet. Consider the good things about being alone. For the first time in your life you are free. Spoil yourself; spend his money on chocolate and taxis. You’re worth it.”

However she admits that loneliness can be extremely hard for older women when their husbands or partners die.

She reveals that when her husband died “the silent house was eerie and evenings alone were alarming to the point of panic”. She adds: “Many women of our generation have never lived alone; we left our father’s house to move in with our husbands”.

Her advice is to “remove yourself from the place of loneliness, your home” and “plan at least one social event every day and plan outings to look forward to. Unless you are dying, staying in all day is a bad idea and will make you morose. You may have demanding things to do in the home but go out at least for some part of the day. Too cold? Wear three coats but go out. Raining? Big umbrella but go out. Not feeling too good? Try fresh air and a walk. Fight any temptation to hide away feeling sorry for yourself.”

She also tells fellow widows not to dismiss the idea of working again especially if they are in good health. Her belief is that “busy people are not lonely” and suggests planning a personal project like re-designing the garden or doing an Open University course.

Another piece of advice is to take risks and go to a show alone. However if you are invited to a party, she says to bring a friend. “It is one thing to stand with a drink in your hand making small talk knowing there’s a husband in the corner grumbling and wanting to go home and quite another matter if he is not there”.

Mary adds that making the most of widowhood “is not about forgetting your spouse or “moving on” – but remembering them by living a life full of new experiences.

She says: “Think of widowhood as just another stage of life like getting married or having a first baby.

“With good health and good friends you can create an exciting new life for yourself and one of these mornings you’ll wake up singing.”